We are at a crossroads. How do we teach our children to love each other no matter what skin color and for black children (and to a lesser degree brown and others) also to be cautious because you cannot control what the system will do to us. For white folks, it is past time for healing and repairing the harm of our cultural practices. For black parents, “the talk” is still an unfortunate necessity. If you don’t know what the talk is, I hope you pay attention to this story. It takes place in today’s America.
The Talk
My son’s mother can be described as militant in her no nonsense, no holds barred approach to life. I will be the first to tell you that she is passionate about the atrocities of American racism. She will tell you like it is and a lot of the time in a way that sounds so harsh you want to respond as if she is the problem. Let’s be clear, she is not the problem. A history of harming others for the level of melanin in their skin is the problem.
For my (step) son, it seemed like she was angry at some of his choices of friends and what girls he liked. She would tell him “I am not telling you not to like your friends. I am warning you that this system can eat you alive and take away your rights and freedoms. You may not have the ability to fight it. I want you to avoid this risk as much as possible.”
We would tell him examples. “Say your friends do mischievous things when you are out together. The cops can come, and out of fear or threat by the police, your white friends can blame you. The fact is as a black male, you will be easier to prosecute. Your friends can easily go free. If you date white girls and their family don’t like it, her parents can persuade her to claim something happened that she did not want to happen. In which case you will be brought up on charges.” We used extreme examples of Emmitt Till and The Central Park Five to hammer in our point.
At the same time, we also opened up our home for his friends. His mom continues to do so after I moved away. She knew that they were safer in our home and wanted them to feel welcome. We are hoping for our son to build bonds that would minimize the risk moving forward. It is one way for all of us to do our part to bring forth a greater America as they grow older.
My son would hate how we/she talked about his choice of friends because he saw it as us questioning him and his judgment. Or at times he saw us being part of the problem of maintaining the division caused by racism. He didn’t see his friends’ level of melanin as a reason to choose to hang with them. For that he has great relationships with friends from various ethnicities. We applaud it and yet we still worry as parents.
The other day I had to call him with an unfortunate “I told you so” story that breaks my heart…
It Is Still Happening in 2022
After writing my book, I began to partake in social media. I reconnected with many friends from my past. Yep, there is some good to Facebook, if we approach it right. In February I began having ongoing conversations with a childhood friend, we will call Nick, whose family also meant a lot to my friends and me. His dad and older brother were little league coaches. They taught us life lessons as well as baseball.
Nick dropped out of High School prior to us graduating (or he would have been on the prom pic that is now the cover of the book). He got involved in illegal drug distribution and was arrested and sentenced to serve prison time. He has a felony on his permanent record. Because of this, he is unable to legally possess a firearm. Nick later became addicted to drugs which he has been fighting with for many years. He was what would be labeled as a functioning addict managing his own landscaping business for over 10 years.
The last several years Nick has remained sober and within that time married his current wife, Mary. Mary is a white woman who grew up in a part of St. Louis that is known for what is termed as white flight. As black families moved into the area, white families moved out. The ones that stayed were not necessarily less prejudiced. Some were, some were not.
Together Nick and Mary moved to Florida. She is studying to be a part of the medical industry and Florida is an area where his business could thrive with longer warmer seasons. In 2021, her father fell on hard times. As a gesture of good faith, Nick told Mary to invite her father, Jack, and his wife, Karen, to move in with the hopes that Nick would help Jack rebuild and could offer him business in the landscaping field.
Mary did not think that was a good idea. She warned Nick that her father is racist. She told him that she had a previous boyfriend, a black man, who mistreated her and that only inflamed her father even more. Nick saw this as an opportunity for healing. He told her that he had been given so many chances to redeem himself and that those supported opportunities are what afforded Nick and her the lifestyle they enjoyed today. He convinced her that maybe her father just needed to see a black man treating her right and being able to run a successful business. Nick wanted Jack to have the same opportunity of redemption.
Mary conceded and Nick’s father-in-law and his wife moved in with Nick and Mary. One day after Mary went to work, Jack began to drink, unbeknown to Nick. Jack saw Nick sitting in the living room and began to talk trash to Nick. He called Nick names and used derogatory language trying to instigate a fight. As he approached Nick, Nick stood up to be able to defend himself in case Jack became violent. They began to argue, Nick stating that he was prepared to defend himself and that he was not going to be disrespected in his own house while he was providing for Jack and Karen to stay there.
As they got in each other’s face, Jack screamed to Karen to bring Jack his gun. Nick immediately told Jack, that he was prepared to disarm Jack. Nick said he did not know how he respond after the disarming and that Jack and Karen would have to leave their home if the gun were brought out. So, Jack changed his mind. He told Karen to call the police and tell them that Nick attacked Jack and threatened him with a gun. She did and she made sure to tell the police that Nick was a black male.
The police showed up in droves. They surrounded the house and commanded Nick to come out with his hands up. Nick did so with no shirt on, just his shorts, hands raised to show he was not a threat. This did not matter. The police wanted him to lay down on the ground. It was September in Florida and the ground was hot. Nick politely refused and told them again that he was not a threat and would continue to cooperate because he had done nothing wrong. As they began to forcefully push Nick to the ground, the next door neighbor, a white male, came out to ask Nick if he was okay.
The neighbor’s presence made the police treat Nick with less force and dare I say a little humane. While they held Nick, he explained that he does not have a gun in his possession and the allegations were false. The police obtained a search warrant and were able to search the house. They did not find a weapon, but arrested Nick on two charges, assault and battery and refusing arrest. Nick was allowed to bond himself out but not return to the home while Jack was still there.
That same night Nick was released, he called the police station and explained that his business equipment is in the garage and that he operates the business from home. He wanted their help to get his belongings so that he can continue to serve his clientele. He soon received a call from his wife with the police demanding that Nick turn himself in. Allegedly a gun was found in the trashcan inside the garage of the house and a new charge was brought upon him, specifically being a felon in possession with a gun.
Nick was assigned an attorney and through the next 7 months, they negotiated. The state of Florida found no scars on Jack’s body, and never tested the gun for ballistics. Yet, the trial was moving forward upon the possibility of a DNA match and the word of Jack and Karen. Despite character witnesses from the community, no priors since Nick was 19 years old, and testimony from Mary, the state wanted Nick to plead guilty and serve 10 years in prison.
Finally, Nick’ attorney convinced Nick to take a plea of no contest. The attorney had negotiated a four-month jail sentence, plus two more years of house arrest, followed by four years of probation. She convinced Nick to take the plea, strictly because they lived in Sarasota, FL and the likelihood of a black man getting a fair trial was slim. This is 2022 may I remind you.
Nick took the plea. Jack and Karen moved back to a suburb of St. Louis and took pride in what they had done. Mary received a call from her brother who helped their father move back to St. Louis. According to Jack’s new neighbor, Jack told the neighbor to let Jack know if there are any spooks in the area that the neighbor wants to get rid of because Jack knew exactly how to do so. The neighbor responded that this was not the case and went further to warn Jack that if Jack were to see a mixed race young girl running around, not to cause her any harm because that is the neighbor’s granddaughter. This neighbor has since refused to testify on Nick’s behalf and states that Jack has been a good neighbor to him.
Nick is now serving his sentence.
One of the Many Challenges Lying Ahead
As America and the world continue to move forward, the topic of race is still very prevalent. Healing takes all of our participation although the burden should be on those of us with the most power to still cause harm. And here lies the dilemma… I want the younger generation to continue to form bonds across all intersections of life. I want them to proceed to be an example of how skin color does not have to determine how we treat each other.
I also want the younger generations to see the value in healing. And for the most part I find that many of them do want healing. They see the effects of the problems caused by generations before them. And yet the older generations who have caused and suffered the most trauma and built their steadfast ways can still impact us. The system is hard to change without us white folks facing these realities and acknowledging that reparations are necessary if we will ever see a world where we all can have the same inalienable rights. That is not a goal for enough of us yet and that is scary for the rest of the world.
After hearing the story, I was infuriated that this is still happening. I also called my son immediately after hanging up with Nick. I was not calling to bloat that we told you so. I was calling to let him know. “Your mom is not angry at you. She is scared for her son’s well being and this is exactly what keeps her up at night. We love you very much.”
(The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent)
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